I want more than anything not to have this anxiety that weighs me down. Jackson told me he was going to have friends over tonight and I teared up. I got so scared and anxious and almost cried in the middle of work. I don’t WANT to feel this way so why do I? I know this is a product of my childhood but I wish I knew more. I want to be able to control it, WITHOUT medication. Medications always fuck me up more. I need to get mentally and physically healthy and I just don’t know how right now. This week is just a really bad week for my depression and I can’t wait until its over.
Damn bangs won’t stay out of my face. I guess it’s time for an overpriced bang trim.
when i look at myself, i see so much more then just the body I am in. It saddens me that it’s not something i am able to share with just anybody. I’ve heard my whole life “boys will be lining up at the door for you if you just lose 50lbs”, “you’re beautiful, but you’d be more beautiful if you’d lose weight”, “you’d be so much happier if you were thinner”, “suck your belly in, you look fatter” “it won’t be easy to find someone who will love you like this”.
those things among many others have hindered me for so long. I heard them over and over again and again.
I feel now, like so much more. More than just a body. More than being anything that makes anybody else happy other then myself.
I’m tired of being told i’m flawed.
i’m just not like you.